evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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