Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
