You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
