I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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