Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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