She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
