whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
