You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
