Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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