you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
my liver is dry heaving
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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