Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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