I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
FUCK WHALES
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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