I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
