Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
