Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
