I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
