Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
