You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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