Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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