Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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