I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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