I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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