Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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