just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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