Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
