Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
