I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
