Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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