I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
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