She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
