I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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