All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
