you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
