i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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