I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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