thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
