I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Two words: blizzard sex
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Randomize
