Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
