no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
