nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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