I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
