This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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