Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
