By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
