My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
