Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
