i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
