Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
