dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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