I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Randomize
