Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
