They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
