If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
