I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
