my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
