and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
