Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
