She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
