Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize